Something I wrote in March of 2010
Anxiety is spiking, through the roof. The hell is going on with me? Run, run Rudolph, leave me alone. Like a big red nose, lupus invades my life. Not only am I reminded every day that I have this chronic illness, poppin pills, 8 to be exact, twice a day, every day. 8 pills every day, and that ladies and gentlemen, is why I take gummy vitamins. But…to continue my statement…not only do these red, white and peach pills remind me every day that I have this lupus, BUT, I can’t even get a tattoo! Pierce my ears! Run! Not get enough sleep! Live! Ugh! But, try as I may to escape my reality, it’s here, it’s mine. I’ve grown, I’m blessed, blessing in disguise. Brilliant, resilient, strong, Fortitude is my first name. My real name, only reaffirmed by God above, in this blessing he has dressed as lupus. Annoyed, angry, frustrated, physical pain, organic pains I can’t even feel – destroying my organs, inflaming my joints, mental pain, anxiety plagues me, depression raids me, but still I rise? Still. I. Rise.
And so…as soon as I am off of this prednisone, that deadly steroid - fat, depression, fear, anxiety, slow healing time, high risk of infection of any kind – all in one tiny white pill – amazing – I WILL get my tattoo. A butterfly – the national symbol of hope for people with lupus; a monarch butterfly specifically – because it’s the smallest insect to travel safely across the Atlantic Ocean, it’s a migratory insect, free to roam the world, always on the go, like myself – it represents strength, resilience, FREEDOM!
I embrace – lupus is a part of me – one part, just a part, not me, just a part of me. It influences my actions, it informs my behaviors, it teaches me responsibility, it teaches me appreciation. Appreciation – for life, for love, for people. And so I will, Laugh, Love and Live, and Lift others as I climb through this trajectory of my life. Anger, frustration, annoyance, acceptance, EMBRACE. I will EMBRACE.
It took me three and a half years, but as you can see, I did get my monarch butterfly tattoo :-)